This post was hard to write for a multitude of reasons. It’s something I keep private to the majority of people. Not because I’m ashamed but because I don’t let many people get that close to me.
So why am I even writing this? Because it’s going to affect many aspects of my travels alone. Because I know for a fact I’m not the only one that deals with this particular fear.
So without further ado…
My number one fear is….
Constantly surrounded by people
Not only surrounded but not being able to be alone. EVER.
Not being able to excuse myself from a situation because I don’t want to appear rude or mean. Not being able to use my husband to take over the conversation so I can have a break. Faking enjoyment and engagement when I’m socially exhausted for the day. Hiding irritability and the breakdown from continuous input. Forced to stay in the group and to participate in order to “fit in”.
Getting sick from all the interactions, sounds, and lights. The sick feeling is hard to explain other than, you know the feeling of being car sick or sea sick? It’s similar.
Being left out because of one “mistake”. i.e. – turning down an offer to do something in order to take the time to recharge. On my own and alone.
Yes, this is not a big deal to some. But for me, an INTJ, ambivert, and whatever else us Americans like to label people as, it effects how I interact with everyone in my life that are not in my inner circle. Yes, I enjoy people. But I can only enjoy them so long. I’m sure everyone has a family member or friend that takes forever to leave when visiting.
The very fact I’m forced to be in a dorm again – which I’ve experienced and was OK-ish but hated it. Plus, the fact that I’ll have to be more than I am to remain in favor of students and staff is draining. There’s not much I can do but give it my best shot.
Since I want this blog and YouTube channel to remain true to my brand as an individual, you’ll see occasional updates on how I feel at the moment and about the trip. Sharing emotions shouldn’t be stigmatized. Unfortunately, it is in the US of A.
I also feel bad because I’m going without Raph. We met because we wanted to go to Japan. It sucks I have to go without him. 🙁
On the opposite end, one of my guilty pleasures is enjoying the heck out of turbulence while flying. It’s not dangerous. +It’s the closest I’ll ever get to a roller-coaster ride again.
What’s your number one fear (and/or guilty pleasure) you struggle with in everyday life and travel?